I felt really weird earlier, and I couldn't even say that I felt /10 about something then I had to think whether to say the number between 7 and 9 or just write 7 or 9. In the end I wrote 9 because I decided that writing between makes it look like i have problems and 7 was too low. I think I am in a really bad place at the moment.
I think I should just give up.

Currently I feel like crap. I find it really annoying that I couldn't stop crying for long enough at college earlier, just casually starting crying in front of one of my teachers. Although I find it funny how my tutor seems to be completely avoiding me except for occasional lesson stuff. But I don't know what to do. I can't stop crying even now, even when at home when it is most important to appear to be okay. Not good. And it has been like this all week, and I'm still not overly sure what it is that is getting to me most. So there was Jack who decided at some point that he is a bird... not funny, especially in the middle of a lesson. There is that general guy who has always scared me who seems to be really unhappy with me, but he never liked me, however saying that, he is getting a hell of a lot worse now. Then the fact that I am stressed with college because I am so fed up with life that I can't keep up with college. So that isn't going to help me with trying to get a decent grade in physics this year. And the list can go on and on. This week should have been semi decent and now all I can do is cry. I don't know who to talk to this weekend, I don't know what I can do that is actually productive-ish... I will do some homework, but that is only because I have to do it and there is nothing I can do to get out of that, I don't really want to have to accept that there is something completely wrong with all my college work, but at the same time I have to respect the fact that I can't think well enough to do anything than write about how I'm feeling into a little box because it is going to end up as nonsense anyway. All I am thinking about is shark, and pokemon, pokemon x and y come out tomorrow... But that isn't exactly a productive use of my time to be playing that for two days before college. I don't know any more.

I think I'm going to go with the world hates me

missing out words when talking about missing out words

I have to make a poster on schizophrenia for my psychology work this summer, I managed to write this without realising:

Confused thoughts - someone talking to them difficult as the person may be changing subjects, skipping words, sentences may not make sense

I think I was meant to write that someone may find talking to someone with schizophrenia difficult as...

I managed to miss out another word in the delusions part below that... I'm doing well.

"The bad times are just times that are bad"

Another rant - doors

Okay, so I am a little ocd, but it is almost impossible to be happy with a door.
Firstly, the colour. They are rarely the same colour for a long time period. They gain dirt and other muck and paint. It doesn't look right. If I had the energy and will power I would have to clean the door on a regular time period. And with the colour I could include what it looks like, I have seen one door where the pattern repeats itself in one way and then its reverse so it joins together, there are some doors however which have random patterns, which get really annoying especially for me when I want to see a pattern.
The door of my bedroom does a good job because it is either opened fully or closed fully, if it is in the middle I would sort it out, other doors I cannot, people don't appreciate that the door has to either be fully open or closed, anywhere in the middle of that is messy!
The door handles. There are some which are up down ones, they are okay because they will only go one way. Twisty ones can be annoying because some can turn clockwise and anticlockwise to open, I don't like that because it isn't fair on the opening way which is opened less times than closed.
Door handles are definitely the worst part of the door. They are very unclean. It is rare when I will open/close a door and think that the doorhandle felt good to touch in the way that some get rusted or any in public areas will have the germs of not carefully washed hands. And for that reason, the doorhandles in toilets are the worst.
The doors in the house I live in are certainly not clean. They have loads of dirt and dust on. The door handles feel gross and are very squeaky.
Another thing then is that the doors can be difficult to open. Some don't open cleanly and without making much noise, they have to open roughly and squeak so that you cannot walk into a room as a ghost unheard and your scare attempt fails, all because of a door.
My door began not to fit the doorframe so some of the door had to be shaved off, I look at the bottom at night and lots of light floods in, the too not much. But the door is no longer as right as it used to be, and the door was never that good.
I think the worst thing about doors in public places it it tells people the direction of opening. I once sat bin subway with people during a college day and watched the door, I don't think one person opened the door in the right direction in their first attempt. So that sign is ignored, I tend not to look at the sign and look at the door and the frame, make a decision and look at the sign, they tend to be the same. But how do so many people fail to open a door, it is such a simple task.
And keys. People make a mess of that as well. Forgetting keys. Losing keys. Eating keys.
Slamming doors are also annoying. When done by the craft of outside doors being open or windows then either the outside door should be closed or the inside door should be closed. And when someone does it in anger the only thing that passes through my head is that the person is showing that they can close a door by allowing the other people to hear it. Well done! You are with billions of people in being able to close a door.
And some doors should never be closed when there are people there as they are stinky rooms because everyone is stinky and they never open the windows to allow for the stinkyness to leave. Some people don't understand that feeling.
So doors, better off without them if humans are present.

Shark attack! :-D  I feel slightly relaxed being able to feel the pain... I heard laugh and saw smile, Jack? I don't need you. I smiled when it was happening, and I don't feel bad about it, for once I have done something this holiday which I don't feel bad about.

I think I may have just about had it with some people. I shouldn't be allowed to complain because I'm not a great person myself, but I just don't understand how people can act like that. Maybe if I stopped believing that there could be decent enough people out there who can help then I wouldn't feel like this so often. People just continuously disappoint. It just is acting like when one or two people act like this, everyone else has to as well, including friends and family. I haven't said anything about how I feel to anyone really so no one knows that I sirens the majority of days either crying :-) or really angry at everything. No one of them needs to know, just like no one should care if I was to shark :-) never been happier :-)

4 more months :(

The magic button — Make Everything OK

The magic button — Make Everything OK

It honestly feels like no one is there anymore. You try and say something and they don't seem to care at all. It doesn't help that I am really confused to where I am half the time, I think I keep almost falling over, I would much rather be away from everyone, that way I wouldn't have the problem of people ignoring me, and what I don't get is how people stay away thinking I need space when that is the last thing I need, if I am around people then it would be nice for someone to care just a little bit, I know I don't have any answers, but I know I need someone to be saying the right thing... And with the whole ignoring/staying away thing, IT ISN'T HELPING THE PROBLEM! It is bad enough with all the voices in my head, so staying away has only been making them worse because even they can tell that no one cares. Going into college today seemed completely stupid. I felt sick. I felt really shakey. I wanted to talk to one person, someone who I says they care, but nothing. I think I have been in an angry/really upset mood all day, so when other people got in the way, I wanted to punch them or hurt myself in some way to lessen the emotion. And I have two exams tomorrow, they should go okay, but I don't really like being in this mood for sitting exams, the one place I need to be calm, and I try so hard to stay calm in the exams, then I lose it when I exit them, because what is the point? No one is going to help, no one is going to be there ever, there is that one person who claims to be nice but doesn't care one bit, but that is people, I don't matter so I don't see why I bother...

Okay, so now I feel really isolated. I don't really have anyone to talk to. The person who I do, who I know is trying, I don't think can tell how upset I am. The only reason I am writing here now is so that I can feel like someone is there listening, I know that is unlikely, but sinse I don't have anyone else, everyone sleeping or not listening, it seemed like the only thing I could do.
I don't know what I am feeling, not much different from the morning, so the day hasn't gone well, I don't think I could feel much worse than I do now, which I have done for a very long time now.
Maybe a large mixture of emotions, anger, fear, obviously sadness, confusion. It goes on, never ending, just silence in the middle of screaming from the other side...
I can definately say I am lonely, but I don't want to be around anyone...
Not even writing it down helps, is there anything that does? Unlikely, after trying so hard, failure is always there at the end, no hope just a lost cause.

I think it is safe to say, HAPPINESS IS A LIE!

People, everything seems to keep telling me that I do not need them. What is the point anyway? They don't listen, they complain that they can't help (although that is mostly my fault for never knowing what would help, and again when I first needed help no one was there, so I think I learnt to deal with things on my own up to a point). I am either running around irritating people or sat quiet irritating people by not talking... Why can't I learn to give up on everyone and not bother talking to them, I either hurt them, they don't care. That way it doesn't matter.
A lot of the time causing myself pain is better, I won't be hurting anyone else, easier on everyone.
I don't quite know how you would explain to someone that the world I live in has a war going on, along with other stuff, things people will continue to say I'm being stupid and should shut up, I agree with the shutting up, but I don't think it is stupid. What if what I am doing now is the fake world, everyone I see everyday are enemies in the real world, and I created in my mind a world full of stars, good and bad people, chairs, pokemon, the bed I lie in at night, in many ways I would like it to be like that, but at the same time, I wouldn't, I don't like either world, one of war close up and the other is a world no one should have to live in, full of idiot humans who don't listen to what needs to be heard. But I can't complain, unless neither are real, that would be the worst thing, but right now, I would be a lot more welcoming to the third.

I think I need to shut up... I'm just going to start an argument with everyone, I guess that is one of the few things I am actually good at, starting arguments. I can't see the point of my existence if all I am going to do is ruin everyone's life, wouldn't it be easier if I was just never here. I think I should try writing again, they may make me feel better. Just write a load of short stories, depressing ones, ones with sad endings, ones with happy endings, anything in the middle and anything that comes to my head when I have nothing better to do. I am not looking forward to further pure and statistics tomorrow, I know most formulas for statistics but I'm bad at applying them and further pure I hardly know at all... I am doomed, if I am study I will just make up the maths, that would be so much easier.
But lately, days feel like they have been getting worse, I haven't been stressing too much over exams, the most I have done is complain that I can't do it, but haven't really thought about the exams themselves. I don't know what to do and I don't know if anyone is taking me seriously any more. To me it feels like most people are ignoring me, then again not much change really. And I can't blame them, they have their exams to do as well. I think at the moment living in an entirely different world is semi nice, of course there will be 'negative' impacts on this 'real' world, but at least I wouldn't have to deal with people and things that are really getting on my nerves in this 'real' world...
That way, if I did that, I would keep my mouth shut towards people here, I might go a little crazy and act as though I'm doing role play and everyone else in my head is a part of it if I was aware of something, which is quite funny really, but looking at how things are going at the moment, I don't need the extra stress. But in my head, I do prefer the idea of the alternate world, and not to my surprise, so does jack along with the other things in my head... Life really is no fun with these guys, more scary and makes things worse for me if I react to them around people... I'll be quiet now, my thoughts are making no sense what so ever...

I have this strong feeling inside now that i am better off just giving up entirely... I have been going through the week in probably one of the worst moods I have been in so far, and yet I have had no one to talk to. I guess it seems people judge sadness by tears, if you aren't crying you aren't upset... if only that were true, I would either be crying all the time or I would be happy... most likely the crying all the time part, oh well, not everyone can be happy, but I still think the whole psychosis side of this is unfair

I think it would be nice if things around me got a little better, but oh well.
I never thought someone couldn't understand that a zero is just the absence of a number.
Had maths exam yesterday, I know I have definitely lost 2 marks for working out an arc length with half r theta rather than just r theta... Oops, and I forgot +c in my integration again. But somehow I managed to answer something the same as my super genius friend which another super genius had difficulty with and so did a lot of the rest of students.
I don't know what to do, I've read a load of stuff which says to laugh at the voices to make them seem like less of a problem, but I don't see how that can work, they just retaliate back. And other stuff, things that I have done many times before which most of the time didn't work... I know that there is not going to be an easy solution to these problems, but there has to be something that is going to work. And yesterday it felt more as though people wouldn't take this stuff seriously, and I really annoyed a friend, I don't mean to, it's just my personality, a very dislikeable personality, I don't see why people even try to bother with me.

I still can't stop shaking, I don't think I'm as concerned about the whole break up thing as much as the jack, voices and stuff like that. Although I think that guy may like someone else, I'm a paranoid person anyway so it kind of makes sense to feel like that, I shouldn't really care. No one should care about me anyway, so there isn't much point in caring if things continue to go wrong. I don't know if I said this before, but because I'm not a nice person, no one should like me, they should all just leave me alone. I don't even see why I had to born, I can't do anything for anyone else, life has never been that great for me and I just ruin everyone's lives anyway. I waste everyone's time, I don't even see the point of writing this half the time, it would just waste your time. I have an exam in two days, I feel okayish with it, but at the same time, I really do not want to be here any more, I serve no purpose. Why do I have to live by the whole, "I've been put on this planet, my living conditions are better than many other peoples and I should therefore be able to do something for the world"? It would be so much easier if I didn't think like that, then I could end it all without that regret that the thing I try to live by all this time has become meaningless and I just wasted my time, I mean I still want to kill myself in a way, I just can't because of that. But bit would be better for everyone else, then they wouldn't have to waste their time thinking about me at all. And I'm really scared of what is going on. But oh well, that doesn't matter. Considering the way on going at the moment and the way I have been for years now, I'm never going to get anywhere, just be alone wanting to stay away from any human life, maybe I should just fine a cave, live there where no one has to think I'm still around, where nature can kill me rather than myself. And right now, all I want to do is cause myself pain, and I'm sorry if anyone is reading this and has no idea what any of this means. I just don't know what to do, I'm more than often scared to talk to friends because I know I'm likely to annoy one of them to the point where they waste time being annoyed with me. I don't even know why any of my friends are friends with me, I'm just a boring person no one should know who should have never existed in the first place because nothing can go right. Life, goes downhill at 4 or 5 years old, gets worse and worse until I reach now, why did I have to reach now, I should have just died before no one else could know me. Easier, stupid beliefs. I think that is my most strong belief that I will not kill myself. And I'm so angry, upset, scared right now. People constantly says that things get better, but they never do. Why can I be okay, I've tried so hard, yet it doesn't work, is the whole world against me?

For an update, just this weekend I reached the point where I couldn't really cope with anything any more, and yesterday my boyfriend broke up with me, and I never thought things in life could resemble a psychosis leaflet, guess as usual I was wrong. The whole jack thing has gotten worse, and now I have no idea what to do. I feel more like I can't go to anyone as much, stupid emotions. Everything would be better if I was not here at all. Since yesterday morning, I've just cried in emotional pain, or just felt nothing, shaking most of the time, and worst thing is I can't really talk to anyone at home. It is only at college where there are people who I could talk to, but from what I can gather, things only get worse. I don't want to be as sad as I am about the break up because I know I am not a very likeable person anyway, and I've only made things awkward being upset around everyone. I think I would just about be able to sot the exams and get okay grades, but now thongs have gone beyond that point I could just about cope with, I can't really say much.
And it isn't like I haven't tried to deal with this problem, and it isn't like I'm not talking to someone about it anyway, friend and someone at college, but now I feel like I cannot talk to anyone, as though people don't want to be around me. And most people I'm around don't understand how upset I feel, many don't even know half of what is going on, I would just much rather sit alone now and not ruin other peoples lives than continue being like I am.
Just as I thought things couldn't much worse, everything has to prove me wrong, what a lovely world we live in.
But I guess now I don't have to try and be okay as hard to hide it from people as much, it will annoy people, but at least I will be slightly more truthful... Oh, wow, I was like this last year, but I don't think I was as bad, only difference was I was self harming more back then, and I know I do it occasionally now, but not as much, and I want to try and keep it like that.
Although my friend did skateboard down a ramp in the skate park we walk past to and from college yesterday, I thought that was nice, although I did feel sorry for her as she face planted the floor.
But even now I can't stop shaking, one moment I feel really cold the next I feel really hot, eyes will occasionally go blurry, moments of constant tears, others of silence and feeling nothing.
And now I am really hungry, but feel so sick inside that I cannot eat at all, I did try to eat some food, but only about half until I really could not carry on.
And this weekend, no parents, just me most of Saturday, I am not looking forward to that, revision and most likely this continuous crappy mood, why was I ever born?

Okay, now things are really feeling weird. I'm not even sure what it is. I am going to try to talk to someone other than the two friends I am now, try and make things slightly better, but it is hard to trust someone enough to actually talk to them. Hopefully things will get better, but even now, when I'm not feeling terribly bad, I still feel like something is really wrong, I feel like I want to scream or cause pain or something, I guess I'm also slightly scared of anything happening to me or me doing something really wrong, but exams starting on Monday week, that won't help so much.

Now I just don't know. Most of the people I care for now seem really low, many depressed, and I feel really bad because I'm not very good at making anyone feel better, and considering all I want to do at the moment is just give up, I don't know what to do. In some ways it would be easier if I just avoided people and not let anyone bother about me, but I want to make sure that everyone else is okay. I ended up crying at the end when most people had left, couldn't help it. Why can't this all just end? I want to think that everyone is okay or that it will all be better after exams, but I can't see that happening. I'm too scared to talk to anyone now, because I just ruin people's lives and I can't do anything right for anyone.

I suppose today hasn't been a terrible day, but I still feel really bad. I mean I was able to smile, but not feel good in myself, after I smiled for some reason this massive pain just appeared and I just wanted to cry. Even now, I really don't like life at all, but after a week of people seeming to look at me really fed up, I guess I should try and talk to someone properly. I still feel incredibly lonely, feel like no one wants to be around me. Quite a few times people have said they'll be somewhere or do something, and they don't. It gets irritating, but that is how life is I suppose, never really been fair, the leaves haven't even grown yet. Everyday I wake up and want them to grow, it is almost may, this time last year I was making my friends run around with leaves on their head, did I or they or someone else do something wrong? Are the leaves angry with us? Probably, we are all mostly human after all. But for now it is just me trying not to do something I could regret later on, or something that would make someone else sad.

Silence

Sitting alone, staring at the sharp blade. "No one will care, no one would mind, no one would have to know," That is what she thought, that is how it starts out. Starts with one cut, the feel of the warm, red blood falling down the body, like a rain drop, but it has more beauty to it, more warmth. It is the best feeling in the world for that moment. Starts with one, leads to another and another.
It seems to call for her, the blood to flow down her some more, it didn't matter where, so long as it was somewhere. It didn't matter how she did it or how bad it was, so long as she felt something.
She hasn't felt anything for a long time now, just nothing. When alone, she would cry, tears of nothingness, the saddest of them all. The feeling of so sad it became nothing.
To her this meant nothing to anyone. No one would talk to her when she needed someone to, no one seemed to be there either. As though she didn't exist or she had become invisible and everyone had forgotten about her.
"When will it stop?" She screamed to the voices, to the people in her head.
She could hardly tell from reality and what was in her head. She felt more like the stuff in her head was real rather than the reality that made her sick.
Lifting the blade, she cut, deep.
Blood came pouring out of the wound, the flow of blood seemed to be constant. But it wasn't enough.
Again, she cut. And again.
The floor around her was a giant puddle of blood. And it kept getting bigger and bigger.
Another cut and another.
On her arm, her leg, she just wanted more pain and more feeling.
The blood slowed. Tears fell from her face, falling into the puddle of blood. A puddle full of anger. Full of fear. And full of nothing.
The blade, she dug into her arm, pulling it out, in one quick move, in and out, into the thigh. And it was soon the end.
Blood kept coming, the floor became a sticky mess. A mixture of blood and tears, she lay in it, waiting for the darkness to consume her, never having to wake in this world of light again.
And the darkness, taking her, wanting to eat off of the life of what could have been, taking her to the other place. A place which no one knows until they die. It could be good. It could be bad. It could be nothing. But whatever it is, it cannot be as bad to her as the would us living people live in today.
The last drop of life drained from her body. All was silent, resting in hope of peace. Nothing here, in this world, could hurt her.

Now I have had enough. Another day at college made me think that no one really cares that much. I want to hurt myself, really bad. In fact, the only thing that is really stopping me from doing something like killing myself (or trying as there is always that failure part to it) is not wanting to hurt some other people, my parents getting involved and a doctor... But nothing is going that well in my head. It is all death and horror at the moment. I tried to talk to some people this weekend, no one replied back, this happens many times so I wonder why I haven't just given up and not have an expectation for just one person to care enough to talk to me... Is it really too much to ask for? Clearly it is. Tomorrow is a full day, so that isn't going to help much. All that has been going through my head today is me causing myself pain, I want to talk to someone, but when I do they weren't listening and when they listen I am too scared to talk. Maybe I should just give up. It would mean no one would have to worry about me because no one would see me, I wouldn't have the apparent unusual expectation of one person to care, and I wouldn't have to go through the pain of sitting somewhere crying and no one even caring at all. Then people say things will get better not fully aware of the problem, or they ask what is wrong not thinking that I have already told them and it is the same thing as ever, so people are also really frustrating to talk to, I shouldn't get annoyed at them really, it is my fault for not being understanding at all, and still pain is the only thing on my mind.

Again, a long time. 

I've kind of decided that people aren't very good to talk to, I also feel very lonely even when with people I like because no one seems to care any more, or care enough for me to even bother. 

I have exams next month, 5 maths, a biology and a psychology. Decided that I now want to do physics, and after a few whole days working on my maths mechanics work (having a rubbish teacher) I now have an idea of what I am doing and feel semi confident for the exam. 

Yesterday, rubbish day (though they have all felt rubbish these lest few weeks), I felt really bad and then at climbing got rope burn, really hurt, I skipped biology lesson, missing a trust but at least I didn't have to sit in a room for an hour and a half crying. I now have plasters on three fingers on my right hand so I don't pick the blisters. Although flying up the wall was fun and I did get to the top of the wall with blisters over my fingers.

I feel that everyone is avoiding me, and I feel very angry, I don't see the point I'm carrying on very much, just one or two people who I do care about who I don't want to hurt.