Friday 18 October 2013
I think I should just give up.
Friday 11 October 2013
Saturday 24 August 2013
missing out words when talking about missing out words
Confused thoughts - someone talking to them difficult as the person may be changing subjects, skipping words, sentences may not make sense
I think I was meant to write that someone may find talking to someone with schizophrenia difficult as...
I managed to miss out another word in the delusions part below that... I'm doing well.
Saturday 10 August 2013
Another rant - doors
Okay, so I am a little ocd, but it is almost impossible to be happy with a door.
Firstly, the colour. They are rarely the same colour for a long time period. They gain dirt and other muck and paint. It doesn't look right. If I had the energy and will power I would have to clean the door on a regular time period. And with the colour I could include what it looks like, I have seen one door where the pattern repeats itself in one way and then its reverse so it joins together, there are some doors however which have random patterns, which get really annoying especially for me when I want to see a pattern.
The door of my bedroom does a good job because it is either opened fully or closed fully, if it is in the middle I would sort it out, other doors I cannot, people don't appreciate that the door has to either be fully open or closed, anywhere in the middle of that is messy!
The door handles. There are some which are up down ones, they are okay because they will only go one way. Twisty ones can be annoying because some can turn clockwise and anticlockwise to open, I don't like that because it isn't fair on the opening way which is opened less times than closed.
Door handles are definitely the worst part of the door. They are very unclean. It is rare when I will open/close a door and think that the doorhandle felt good to touch in the way that some get rusted or any in public areas will have the germs of not carefully washed hands. And for that reason, the doorhandles in toilets are the worst.
The doors in the house I live in are certainly not clean. They have loads of dirt and dust on. The door handles feel gross and are very squeaky.
Another thing then is that the doors can be difficult to open. Some don't open cleanly and without making much noise, they have to open roughly and squeak so that you cannot walk into a room as a ghost unheard and your scare attempt fails, all because of a door.
My door began not to fit the doorframe so some of the door had to be shaved off, I look at the bottom at night and lots of light floods in, the too not much. But the door is no longer as right as it used to be, and the door was never that good.
I think the worst thing about doors in public places it it tells people the direction of opening. I once sat bin subway with people during a college day and watched the door, I don't think one person opened the door in the right direction in their first attempt. So that sign is ignored, I tend not to look at the sign and look at the door and the frame, make a decision and look at the sign, they tend to be the same. But how do so many people fail to open a door, it is such a simple task.
And keys. People make a mess of that as well. Forgetting keys. Losing keys. Eating keys.
Slamming doors are also annoying. When done by the craft of outside doors being open or windows then either the outside door should be closed or the inside door should be closed. And when someone does it in anger the only thing that passes through my head is that the person is showing that they can close a door by allowing the other people to hear it. Well done! You are with billions of people in being able to close a door.
And some doors should never be closed when there are people there as they are stinky rooms because everyone is stinky and they never open the windows to allow for the stinkyness to leave. Some people don't understand that feeling.
So doors, better off without them if humans are present.
Friday 9 August 2013
Tuesday 9 July 2013
Thursday 23 May 2013
Tuesday 21 May 2013
I don't know what I am feeling, not much different from the morning, so the day hasn't gone well, I don't think I could feel much worse than I do now, which I have done for a very long time now.
Maybe a large mixture of emotions, anger, fear, obviously sadness, confusion. It goes on, never ending, just silence in the middle of screaming from the other side...
I can definately say I am lonely, but I don't want to be around anyone...
Not even writing it down helps, is there anything that does? Unlikely, after trying so hard, failure is always there at the end, no hope just a lost cause.
Sunday 19 May 2013
A lot of the time causing myself pain is better, I won't be hurting anyone else, easier on everyone.
I don't quite know how you would explain to someone that the world I live in has a war going on, along with other stuff, things people will continue to say I'm being stupid and should shut up, I agree with the shutting up, but I don't think it is stupid. What if what I am doing now is the fake world, everyone I see everyday are enemies in the real world, and I created in my mind a world full of stars, good and bad people, chairs, pokemon, the bed I lie in at night, in many ways I would like it to be like that, but at the same time, I wouldn't, I don't like either world, one of war close up and the other is a world no one should have to live in, full of idiot humans who don't listen to what needs to be heard. But I can't complain, unless neither are real, that would be the worst thing, but right now, I would be a lot more welcoming to the third.
Thursday 16 May 2013
But lately, days feel like they have been getting worse, I haven't been stressing too much over exams, the most I have done is complain that I can't do it, but haven't really thought about the exams themselves. I don't know what to do and I don't know if anyone is taking me seriously any more. To me it feels like most people are ignoring me, then again not much change really. And I can't blame them, they have their exams to do as well. I think at the moment living in an entirely different world is semi nice, of course there will be 'negative' impacts on this 'real' world, but at least I wouldn't have to deal with people and things that are really getting on my nerves in this 'real' world...
That way, if I did that, I would keep my mouth shut towards people here, I might go a little crazy and act as though I'm doing role play and everyone else in my head is a part of it if I was aware of something, which is quite funny really, but looking at how things are going at the moment, I don't need the extra stress. But in my head, I do prefer the idea of the alternate world, and not to my surprise, so does jack along with the other things in my head... Life really is no fun with these guys, more scary and makes things worse for me if I react to them around people... I'll be quiet now, my thoughts are making no sense what so ever...
Monday 13 May 2013
I never thought someone couldn't understand that a zero is just the absence of a number.
Had maths exam yesterday, I know I have definitely lost 2 marks for working out an arc length with half r theta rather than just r theta... Oops, and I forgot +c in my integration again. But somehow I managed to answer something the same as my super genius friend which another super genius had difficulty with and so did a lot of the rest of students.
I don't know what to do, I've read a load of stuff which says to laugh at the voices to make them seem like less of a problem, but I don't see how that can work, they just retaliate back. And other stuff, things that I have done many times before which most of the time didn't work... I know that there is not going to be an easy solution to these problems, but there has to be something that is going to work. And yesterday it felt more as though people wouldn't take this stuff seriously, and I really annoyed a friend, I don't mean to, it's just my personality, a very dislikeable personality, I don't see why people even try to bother with me.
Saturday 11 May 2013
Thursday 9 May 2013
And it isn't like I haven't tried to deal with this problem, and it isn't like I'm not talking to someone about it anyway, friend and someone at college, but now I feel like I cannot talk to anyone, as though people don't want to be around me. And most people I'm around don't understand how upset I feel, many don't even know half of what is going on, I would just much rather sit alone now and not ruin other peoples lives than continue being like I am.
Just as I thought things couldn't much worse, everything has to prove me wrong, what a lovely world we live in.
But I guess now I don't have to try and be okay as hard to hide it from people as much, it will annoy people, but at least I will be slightly more truthful... Oh, wow, I was like this last year, but I don't think I was as bad, only difference was I was self harming more back then, and I know I do it occasionally now, but not as much, and I want to try and keep it like that.
Although my friend did skateboard down a ramp in the skate park we walk past to and from college yesterday, I thought that was nice, although I did feel sorry for her as she face planted the floor.
But even now I can't stop shaking, one moment I feel really cold the next I feel really hot, eyes will occasionally go blurry, moments of constant tears, others of silence and feeling nothing.
And now I am really hungry, but feel so sick inside that I cannot eat at all, I did try to eat some food, but only about half until I really could not carry on.
And this weekend, no parents, just me most of Saturday, I am not looking forward to that, revision and most likely this continuous crappy mood, why was I ever born?
Tuesday 30 April 2013
Wednesday 24 April 2013
Tuesday 23 April 2013
Monday 22 April 2013
Silence
It seems to call for her, the blood to flow down her some more, it didn't matter where, so long as it was somewhere. It didn't matter how she did it or how bad it was, so long as she felt something.
She hasn't felt anything for a long time now, just nothing. When alone, she would cry, tears of nothingness, the saddest of them all. The feeling of so sad it became nothing.
To her this meant nothing to anyone. No one would talk to her when she needed someone to, no one seemed to be there either. As though she didn't exist or she had become invisible and everyone had forgotten about her.
"When will it stop?" She screamed to the voices, to the people in her head.
She could hardly tell from reality and what was in her head. She felt more like the stuff in her head was real rather than the reality that made her sick.
Lifting the blade, she cut, deep.
Blood came pouring out of the wound, the flow of blood seemed to be constant. But it wasn't enough.
Again, she cut. And again.
The floor around her was a giant puddle of blood. And it kept getting bigger and bigger.
Another cut and another.
On her arm, her leg, she just wanted more pain and more feeling.
The blood slowed. Tears fell from her face, falling into the puddle of blood. A puddle full of anger. Full of fear. And full of nothing.
The blade, she dug into her arm, pulling it out, in one quick move, in and out, into the thigh. And it was soon the end.
Blood kept coming, the floor became a sticky mess. A mixture of blood and tears, she lay in it, waiting for the darkness to consume her, never having to wake in this world of light again.
And the darkness, taking her, wanting to eat off of the life of what could have been, taking her to the other place. A place which no one knows until they die. It could be good. It could be bad. It could be nothing. But whatever it is, it cannot be as bad to her as the would us living people live in today.
The last drop of life drained from her body. All was silent, resting in hope of peace. Nothing here, in this world, could hurt her.