For an update, just this weekend I reached the point where I couldn't really cope with anything any more, and yesterday my boyfriend broke up with me, and I never thought things in life could resemble a psychosis leaflet, guess as usual I was wrong. The whole jack thing has gotten worse, and now I have no idea what to do. I feel more like I can't go to anyone as much, stupid emotions. Everything would be better if I was not here at all. Since yesterday morning, I've just cried in emotional pain, or just felt nothing, shaking most of the time, and worst thing is I can't really talk to anyone at home. It is only at college where there are people who I could talk to, but from what I can gather, things only get worse. I don't want to be as sad as I am about the break up because I know I am not a very likeable person anyway, and I've only made things awkward being upset around everyone. I think I would just about be able to sot the exams and get okay grades, but now thongs have gone beyond that point I could just about cope with, I can't really say much.
And it isn't like I haven't tried to deal with this problem, and it isn't like I'm not talking to someone about it anyway, friend and someone at college, but now I feel like I cannot talk to anyone, as though people don't want to be around me. And most people I'm around don't understand how upset I feel, many don't even know half of what is going on, I would just much rather sit alone now and not ruin other peoples lives than continue being like I am.
Just as I thought things couldn't much worse, everything has to prove me wrong, what a lovely world we live in.
But I guess now I don't have to try and be okay as hard to hide it from people as much, it will annoy people, but at least I will be slightly more truthful... Oh, wow, I was like this last year, but I don't think I was as bad, only difference was I was self harming more back then, and I know I do it occasionally now, but not as much, and I want to try and keep it like that.
Although my friend did skateboard down a ramp in the skate park we walk past to and from college yesterday, I thought that was nice, although I did feel sorry for her as she face planted the floor.
But even now I can't stop shaking, one moment I feel really cold the next I feel really hot, eyes will occasionally go blurry, moments of constant tears, others of silence and feeling nothing.
And now I am really hungry, but feel so sick inside that I cannot eat at all, I did try to eat some food, but only about half until I really could not carry on.
And this weekend, no parents, just me most of Saturday, I am not looking forward to that, revision and most likely this continuous crappy mood, why was I ever born?