It honestly feels like no one is there anymore. You try and say something and they don't seem to care at all. It doesn't help that I am really confused to where I am half the time, I think I keep almost falling over, I would much rather be away from everyone, that way I wouldn't have the problem of people ignoring me, and what I don't get is how people stay away thinking I need space when that is the last thing I need, if I am around people then it would be nice for someone to care just a little bit, I know I don't have any answers, but I know I need someone to be saying the right thing... And with the whole ignoring/staying away thing, IT ISN'T HELPING THE PROBLEM! It is bad enough with all the voices in my head, so staying away has only been making them worse because even they can tell that no one cares. Going into college today seemed completely stupid. I felt sick. I felt really shakey. I wanted to talk to one person, someone who I says they care, but nothing. I think I have been in an angry/really upset mood all day, so when other people got in the way, I wanted to punch them or hurt myself in some way to lessen the emotion. And I have two exams tomorrow, they should go okay, but I don't really like being in this mood for sitting exams, the one place I need to be calm, and I try so hard to stay calm in the exams, then I lose it when I exit them, because what is the point? No one is going to help, no one is going to be there ever, there is that one person who claims to be nice but doesn't care one bit, but that is people, I don't matter so I don't see why I bother...

Okay, so now I feel really isolated. I don't really have anyone to talk to. The person who I do, who I know is trying, I don't think can tell how upset I am. The only reason I am writing here now is so that I can feel like someone is there listening, I know that is unlikely, but sinse I don't have anyone else, everyone sleeping or not listening, it seemed like the only thing I could do.
I don't know what I am feeling, not much different from the morning, so the day hasn't gone well, I don't think I could feel much worse than I do now, which I have done for a very long time now.
Maybe a large mixture of emotions, anger, fear, obviously sadness, confusion. It goes on, never ending, just silence in the middle of screaming from the other side...
I can definately say I am lonely, but I don't want to be around anyone...
Not even writing it down helps, is there anything that does? Unlikely, after trying so hard, failure is always there at the end, no hope just a lost cause.

I think it is safe to say, HAPPINESS IS A LIE!

People, everything seems to keep telling me that I do not need them. What is the point anyway? They don't listen, they complain that they can't help (although that is mostly my fault for never knowing what would help, and again when I first needed help no one was there, so I think I learnt to deal with things on my own up to a point). I am either running around irritating people or sat quiet irritating people by not talking... Why can't I learn to give up on everyone and not bother talking to them, I either hurt them, they don't care. That way it doesn't matter.
A lot of the time causing myself pain is better, I won't be hurting anyone else, easier on everyone.
I don't quite know how you would explain to someone that the world I live in has a war going on, along with other stuff, things people will continue to say I'm being stupid and should shut up, I agree with the shutting up, but I don't think it is stupid. What if what I am doing now is the fake world, everyone I see everyday are enemies in the real world, and I created in my mind a world full of stars, good and bad people, chairs, pokemon, the bed I lie in at night, in many ways I would like it to be like that, but at the same time, I wouldn't, I don't like either world, one of war close up and the other is a world no one should have to live in, full of idiot humans who don't listen to what needs to be heard. But I can't complain, unless neither are real, that would be the worst thing, but right now, I would be a lot more welcoming to the third.

I think I need to shut up... I'm just going to start an argument with everyone, I guess that is one of the few things I am actually good at, starting arguments. I can't see the point of my existence if all I am going to do is ruin everyone's life, wouldn't it be easier if I was just never here. I think I should try writing again, they may make me feel better. Just write a load of short stories, depressing ones, ones with sad endings, ones with happy endings, anything in the middle and anything that comes to my head when I have nothing better to do. I am not looking forward to further pure and statistics tomorrow, I know most formulas for statistics but I'm bad at applying them and further pure I hardly know at all... I am doomed, if I am study I will just make up the maths, that would be so much easier.
But lately, days feel like they have been getting worse, I haven't been stressing too much over exams, the most I have done is complain that I can't do it, but haven't really thought about the exams themselves. I don't know what to do and I don't know if anyone is taking me seriously any more. To me it feels like most people are ignoring me, then again not much change really. And I can't blame them, they have their exams to do as well. I think at the moment living in an entirely different world is semi nice, of course there will be 'negative' impacts on this 'real' world, but at least I wouldn't have to deal with people and things that are really getting on my nerves in this 'real' world...
That way, if I did that, I would keep my mouth shut towards people here, I might go a little crazy and act as though I'm doing role play and everyone else in my head is a part of it if I was aware of something, which is quite funny really, but looking at how things are going at the moment, I don't need the extra stress. But in my head, I do prefer the idea of the alternate world, and not to my surprise, so does jack along with the other things in my head... Life really is no fun with these guys, more scary and makes things worse for me if I react to them around people... I'll be quiet now, my thoughts are making no sense what so ever...

I have this strong feeling inside now that i am better off just giving up entirely... I have been going through the week in probably one of the worst moods I have been in so far, and yet I have had no one to talk to. I guess it seems people judge sadness by tears, if you aren't crying you aren't upset... if only that were true, I would either be crying all the time or I would be happy... most likely the crying all the time part, oh well, not everyone can be happy, but I still think the whole psychosis side of this is unfair

I think it would be nice if things around me got a little better, but oh well.
I never thought someone couldn't understand that a zero is just the absence of a number.
Had maths exam yesterday, I know I have definitely lost 2 marks for working out an arc length with half r theta rather than just r theta... Oops, and I forgot +c in my integration again. But somehow I managed to answer something the same as my super genius friend which another super genius had difficulty with and so did a lot of the rest of students.
I don't know what to do, I've read a load of stuff which says to laugh at the voices to make them seem like less of a problem, but I don't see how that can work, they just retaliate back. And other stuff, things that I have done many times before which most of the time didn't work... I know that there is not going to be an easy solution to these problems, but there has to be something that is going to work. And yesterday it felt more as though people wouldn't take this stuff seriously, and I really annoyed a friend, I don't mean to, it's just my personality, a very dislikeable personality, I don't see why people even try to bother with me.

I still can't stop shaking, I don't think I'm as concerned about the whole break up thing as much as the jack, voices and stuff like that. Although I think that guy may like someone else, I'm a paranoid person anyway so it kind of makes sense to feel like that, I shouldn't really care. No one should care about me anyway, so there isn't much point in caring if things continue to go wrong. I don't know if I said this before, but because I'm not a nice person, no one should like me, they should all just leave me alone. I don't even see why I had to born, I can't do anything for anyone else, life has never been that great for me and I just ruin everyone's lives anyway. I waste everyone's time, I don't even see the point of writing this half the time, it would just waste your time. I have an exam in two days, I feel okayish with it, but at the same time, I really do not want to be here any more, I serve no purpose. Why do I have to live by the whole, "I've been put on this planet, my living conditions are better than many other peoples and I should therefore be able to do something for the world"? It would be so much easier if I didn't think like that, then I could end it all without that regret that the thing I try to live by all this time has become meaningless and I just wasted my time, I mean I still want to kill myself in a way, I just can't because of that. But bit would be better for everyone else, then they wouldn't have to waste their time thinking about me at all. And I'm really scared of what is going on. But oh well, that doesn't matter. Considering the way on going at the moment and the way I have been for years now, I'm never going to get anywhere, just be alone wanting to stay away from any human life, maybe I should just fine a cave, live there where no one has to think I'm still around, where nature can kill me rather than myself. And right now, all I want to do is cause myself pain, and I'm sorry if anyone is reading this and has no idea what any of this means. I just don't know what to do, I'm more than often scared to talk to friends because I know I'm likely to annoy one of them to the point where they waste time being annoyed with me. I don't even know why any of my friends are friends with me, I'm just a boring person no one should know who should have never existed in the first place because nothing can go right. Life, goes downhill at 4 or 5 years old, gets worse and worse until I reach now, why did I have to reach now, I should have just died before no one else could know me. Easier, stupid beliefs. I think that is my most strong belief that I will not kill myself. And I'm so angry, upset, scared right now. People constantly says that things get better, but they never do. Why can I be okay, I've tried so hard, yet it doesn't work, is the whole world against me?

For an update, just this weekend I reached the point where I couldn't really cope with anything any more, and yesterday my boyfriend broke up with me, and I never thought things in life could resemble a psychosis leaflet, guess as usual I was wrong. The whole jack thing has gotten worse, and now I have no idea what to do. I feel more like I can't go to anyone as much, stupid emotions. Everything would be better if I was not here at all. Since yesterday morning, I've just cried in emotional pain, or just felt nothing, shaking most of the time, and worst thing is I can't really talk to anyone at home. It is only at college where there are people who I could talk to, but from what I can gather, things only get worse. I don't want to be as sad as I am about the break up because I know I am not a very likeable person anyway, and I've only made things awkward being upset around everyone. I think I would just about be able to sot the exams and get okay grades, but now thongs have gone beyond that point I could just about cope with, I can't really say much.
And it isn't like I haven't tried to deal with this problem, and it isn't like I'm not talking to someone about it anyway, friend and someone at college, but now I feel like I cannot talk to anyone, as though people don't want to be around me. And most people I'm around don't understand how upset I feel, many don't even know half of what is going on, I would just much rather sit alone now and not ruin other peoples lives than continue being like I am.
Just as I thought things couldn't much worse, everything has to prove me wrong, what a lovely world we live in.
But I guess now I don't have to try and be okay as hard to hide it from people as much, it will annoy people, but at least I will be slightly more truthful... Oh, wow, I was like this last year, but I don't think I was as bad, only difference was I was self harming more back then, and I know I do it occasionally now, but not as much, and I want to try and keep it like that.
Although my friend did skateboard down a ramp in the skate park we walk past to and from college yesterday, I thought that was nice, although I did feel sorry for her as she face planted the floor.
But even now I can't stop shaking, one moment I feel really cold the next I feel really hot, eyes will occasionally go blurry, moments of constant tears, others of silence and feeling nothing.
And now I am really hungry, but feel so sick inside that I cannot eat at all, I did try to eat some food, but only about half until I really could not carry on.
And this weekend, no parents, just me most of Saturday, I am not looking forward to that, revision and most likely this continuous crappy mood, why was I ever born?