Okay, now things are really feeling weird. I'm not even sure what it is. I am going to try to talk to someone other than the two friends I am now, try and make things slightly better, but it is hard to trust someone enough to actually talk to them. Hopefully things will get better, but even now, when I'm not feeling terribly bad, I still feel like something is really wrong, I feel like I want to scream or cause pain or something, I guess I'm also slightly scared of anything happening to me or me doing something really wrong, but exams starting on Monday week, that won't help so much.

Now I just don't know. Most of the people I care for now seem really low, many depressed, and I feel really bad because I'm not very good at making anyone feel better, and considering all I want to do at the moment is just give up, I don't know what to do. In some ways it would be easier if I just avoided people and not let anyone bother about me, but I want to make sure that everyone else is okay. I ended up crying at the end when most people had left, couldn't help it. Why can't this all just end? I want to think that everyone is okay or that it will all be better after exams, but I can't see that happening. I'm too scared to talk to anyone now, because I just ruin people's lives and I can't do anything right for anyone.

I suppose today hasn't been a terrible day, but I still feel really bad. I mean I was able to smile, but not feel good in myself, after I smiled for some reason this massive pain just appeared and I just wanted to cry. Even now, I really don't like life at all, but after a week of people seeming to look at me really fed up, I guess I should try and talk to someone properly. I still feel incredibly lonely, feel like no one wants to be around me. Quite a few times people have said they'll be somewhere or do something, and they don't. It gets irritating, but that is how life is I suppose, never really been fair, the leaves haven't even grown yet. Everyday I wake up and want them to grow, it is almost may, this time last year I was making my friends run around with leaves on their head, did I or they or someone else do something wrong? Are the leaves angry with us? Probably, we are all mostly human after all. But for now it is just me trying not to do something I could regret later on, or something that would make someone else sad.

Silence

Sitting alone, staring at the sharp blade. "No one will care, no one would mind, no one would have to know," That is what she thought, that is how it starts out. Starts with one cut, the feel of the warm, red blood falling down the body, like a rain drop, but it has more beauty to it, more warmth. It is the best feeling in the world for that moment. Starts with one, leads to another and another.
It seems to call for her, the blood to flow down her some more, it didn't matter where, so long as it was somewhere. It didn't matter how she did it or how bad it was, so long as she felt something.
She hasn't felt anything for a long time now, just nothing. When alone, she would cry, tears of nothingness, the saddest of them all. The feeling of so sad it became nothing.
To her this meant nothing to anyone. No one would talk to her when she needed someone to, no one seemed to be there either. As though she didn't exist or she had become invisible and everyone had forgotten about her.
"When will it stop?" She screamed to the voices, to the people in her head.
She could hardly tell from reality and what was in her head. She felt more like the stuff in her head was real rather than the reality that made her sick.
Lifting the blade, she cut, deep.
Blood came pouring out of the wound, the flow of blood seemed to be constant. But it wasn't enough.
Again, she cut. And again.
The floor around her was a giant puddle of blood. And it kept getting bigger and bigger.
Another cut and another.
On her arm, her leg, she just wanted more pain and more feeling.
The blood slowed. Tears fell from her face, falling into the puddle of blood. A puddle full of anger. Full of fear. And full of nothing.
The blade, she dug into her arm, pulling it out, in one quick move, in and out, into the thigh. And it was soon the end.
Blood kept coming, the floor became a sticky mess. A mixture of blood and tears, she lay in it, waiting for the darkness to consume her, never having to wake in this world of light again.
And the darkness, taking her, wanting to eat off of the life of what could have been, taking her to the other place. A place which no one knows until they die. It could be good. It could be bad. It could be nothing. But whatever it is, it cannot be as bad to her as the would us living people live in today.
The last drop of life drained from her body. All was silent, resting in hope of peace. Nothing here, in this world, could hurt her.

Now I have had enough. Another day at college made me think that no one really cares that much. I want to hurt myself, really bad. In fact, the only thing that is really stopping me from doing something like killing myself (or trying as there is always that failure part to it) is not wanting to hurt some other people, my parents getting involved and a doctor... But nothing is going that well in my head. It is all death and horror at the moment. I tried to talk to some people this weekend, no one replied back, this happens many times so I wonder why I haven't just given up and not have an expectation for just one person to care enough to talk to me... Is it really too much to ask for? Clearly it is. Tomorrow is a full day, so that isn't going to help much. All that has been going through my head today is me causing myself pain, I want to talk to someone, but when I do they weren't listening and when they listen I am too scared to talk. Maybe I should just give up. It would mean no one would have to worry about me because no one would see me, I wouldn't have the apparent unusual expectation of one person to care, and I wouldn't have to go through the pain of sitting somewhere crying and no one even caring at all. Then people say things will get better not fully aware of the problem, or they ask what is wrong not thinking that I have already told them and it is the same thing as ever, so people are also really frustrating to talk to, I shouldn't get annoyed at them really, it is my fault for not being understanding at all, and still pain is the only thing on my mind.

Again, a long time. 

I've kind of decided that people aren't very good to talk to, I also feel very lonely even when with people I like because no one seems to care any more, or care enough for me to even bother. 

I have exams next month, 5 maths, a biology and a psychology. Decided that I now want to do physics, and after a few whole days working on my maths mechanics work (having a rubbish teacher) I now have an idea of what I am doing and feel semi confident for the exam. 

Yesterday, rubbish day (though they have all felt rubbish these lest few weeks), I felt really bad and then at climbing got rope burn, really hurt, I skipped biology lesson, missing a trust but at least I didn't have to sit in a room for an hour and a half crying. I now have plasters on three fingers on my right hand so I don't pick the blisters. Although flying up the wall was fun and I did get to the top of the wall with blisters over my fingers.

I feel that everyone is avoiding me, and I feel very angry, I don't see the point I'm carrying on very much, just one or two people who I do care about who I don't want to hurt.