I suppose today hasn't been a terrible day, but I still feel really bad. I mean I was able to smile, but not feel good in myself, after I smiled for some reason this massive pain just appeared and I just wanted to cry. Even now, I really don't like life at all, but after a week of people seeming to look at me really fed up, I guess I should try and talk to someone properly. I still feel incredibly lonely, feel like no one wants to be around me. Quite a few times people have said they'll be somewhere or do something, and they don't. It gets irritating, but that is how life is I suppose, never really been fair, the leaves haven't even grown yet. Everyday I wake up and want them to grow, it is almost may, this time last year I was making my friends run around with leaves on their head, did I or they or someone else do something wrong? Are the leaves angry with us? Probably, we are all mostly human after all. But for now it is just me trying not to do something I could regret later on, or something that would make someone else sad.

Silence

Sitting alone, staring at the sharp blade. "No one will care, no one would mind, no one would have to know," That is what she thought, that is how it starts out. Starts with one cut, the feel of the warm, red blood falling down the body, like a rain drop, but it has more beauty to it, more warmth. It is the best feeling in the world for that moment. Starts with one, leads to another and another.
It seems to call for her, the blood to flow down her some more, it didn't matter where, so long as it was somewhere. It didn't matter how she did it or how bad it was, so long as she felt something.
She hasn't felt anything for a long time now, just nothing. When alone, she would cry, tears of nothingness, the saddest of them all. The feeling of so sad it became nothing.
To her this meant nothing to anyone. No one would talk to her when she needed someone to, no one seemed to be there either. As though she didn't exist or she had become invisible and everyone had forgotten about her.
"When will it stop?" She screamed to the voices, to the people in her head.
She could hardly tell from reality and what was in her head. She felt more like the stuff in her head was real rather than the reality that made her sick.
Lifting the blade, she cut, deep.
Blood came pouring out of the wound, the flow of blood seemed to be constant. But it wasn't enough.
Again, she cut. And again.
The floor around her was a giant puddle of blood. And it kept getting bigger and bigger.
Another cut and another.
On her arm, her leg, she just wanted more pain and more feeling.
The blood slowed. Tears fell from her face, falling into the puddle of blood. A puddle full of anger. Full of fear. And full of nothing.
The blade, she dug into her arm, pulling it out, in one quick move, in and out, into the thigh. And it was soon the end.
Blood kept coming, the floor became a sticky mess. A mixture of blood and tears, she lay in it, waiting for the darkness to consume her, never having to wake in this world of light again.
And the darkness, taking her, wanting to eat off of the life of what could have been, taking her to the other place. A place which no one knows until they die. It could be good. It could be bad. It could be nothing. But whatever it is, it cannot be as bad to her as the would us living people live in today.
The last drop of life drained from her body. All was silent, resting in hope of peace. Nothing here, in this world, could hurt her.

Now I have had enough. Another day at college made me think that no one really cares that much. I want to hurt myself, really bad. In fact, the only thing that is really stopping me from doing something like killing myself (or trying as there is always that failure part to it) is not wanting to hurt some other people, my parents getting involved and a doctor... But nothing is going that well in my head. It is all death and horror at the moment. I tried to talk to some people this weekend, no one replied back, this happens many times so I wonder why I haven't just given up and not have an expectation for just one person to care enough to talk to me... Is it really too much to ask for? Clearly it is. Tomorrow is a full day, so that isn't going to help much. All that has been going through my head today is me causing myself pain, I want to talk to someone, but when I do they weren't listening and when they listen I am too scared to talk. Maybe I should just give up. It would mean no one would have to worry about me because no one would see me, I wouldn't have the apparent unusual expectation of one person to care, and I wouldn't have to go through the pain of sitting somewhere crying and no one even caring at all. Then people say things will get better not fully aware of the problem, or they ask what is wrong not thinking that I have already told them and it is the same thing as ever, so people are also really frustrating to talk to, I shouldn't get annoyed at them really, it is my fault for not being understanding at all, and still pain is the only thing on my mind.

Again, a long time. 

I've kind of decided that people aren't very good to talk to, I also feel very lonely even when with people I like because no one seems to care any more, or care enough for me to even bother. 

I have exams next month, 5 maths, a biology and a psychology. Decided that I now want to do physics, and after a few whole days working on my maths mechanics work (having a rubbish teacher) I now have an idea of what I am doing and feel semi confident for the exam. 

Yesterday, rubbish day (though they have all felt rubbish these lest few weeks), I felt really bad and then at climbing got rope burn, really hurt, I skipped biology lesson, missing a trust but at least I didn't have to sit in a room for an hour and a half crying. I now have plasters on three fingers on my right hand so I don't pick the blisters. Although flying up the wall was fun and I did get to the top of the wall with blisters over my fingers.

I feel that everyone is avoiding me, and I feel very angry, I don't see the point I'm carrying on very much, just one or two people who I do care about who I don't want to hurt.

Been a while. Since I last posted I passed my GCSE's, started college and surprisingly made some friends, turned 17, made an owl cake, started to attempt juggling and have considered that christmas is two weeks tomorrow and should really get out and get some presents, but to be fair I do know what I am getting most people.
Things are different now, I don't have idiotic teachers having a go at me for crying, not talking to them or anything like that. I am a little better than I was, but not fully. After all those years, I don't know where I am right now.
But college can be okay. Not enjoying anything at the moment, but I do have exams next month.
Oh, nearly forgot, peaches.

After the fire

It was another cold day. The sun hadn't been seen for months, or that is what she thought. She wouldn't leave her house, ever. She would never let any light in, only using the light from the switch, occasionally lighting a fire.

She was completely dependent on others. She couldn't leave the house. She was so scared of the people, of the world, of what she would do that the very thought of entering the hallway of the entrance of the house scared her. 

All the rooms were connected to one another. She would have a bathroom in the middle. There was a kitchen and dining area on one side of the bathroom, a living area with bedroom features on the other. It was a three room life. 

She would use the internet to buy things. Friends to help her. Luckily her health was fine. No one even thought much of it. The whole place was clean as though it was tidied every day.

She entertained herself by cooking random foods together, playing board games with herself and occasionally someone else if there was someone else with her and she wrote. She hadn't gone anymore mad. She hated everything on the outside and couldn't face it. She saw almost no point in life, but was too scared to end it. She wasn't at that point where she would risk it all, but there were many deep cuts all over her body. If she got angry, scared or couldn't see any hope, she would cut herself. 

She never really understood people. She had made some good friends, but they never really understood her. It wasn't the same after a while. One day she was made able to work at home and was never seen again by the outside people.

It all became far too much. The stress of no more outside on her body and the fear of it all inside was far too much. She couldn't cope any longer. She hadn't seen anyone for the last two weeks for and longer than an hour all together. People popping in to give her what she needed. No contact with others other than work with emailing. There wasn't anyone to help her at this time, they are more wound up in their own problems to notice that there was nothing left inside of her. 

She was an empty person. There was the body, but there was nothing on the inside.

She made a fire to try and end the coldness inside her. It didn't help. It was just too much. The ice was too strong for the warmth of the fire. The fire was the one which struggled. Eventually it died out.

When the fire had stopped, there wasn't anything to stop her this time. She didn't care about anything else. She wasn't any longer scared. Not scared enough that she wouldn't do it. She felt as though she had no choice. This was it.

This time, she set another fire. Made it look like an accident. Threw away the key she had that would allow her escape.

She lay there, the carpet setting on fire. She lay there, as though asleep, in a happy place where nothing could hurt her.

The fire spread. It got bigger and more fierce.

This was the second a fire truck appeared. It hit her. She started to burn. She couldn't even feel a thing. There was nothing they could do now. It was so fast, it was so strong, it killed her fast.

There was sadness in her friends and family, regret that they never helped sooner.

After the fire there was nothing else. The fire had ended quickly, but there was nothing that could be done for her. She was quick to burn. Quick for it to end. Quick to be free.

Humans

The lego land story will continue withing the next few weeks. But for now I ask you to remember, you dignity, you lost when you were born, because for some reason I cannot explain, we are all born naked, we are covered in this horrible substance (not just the air) and people are staring at you. They are all staring at an unclothed baby. It isn't a great feeling, luckily at this point we wouldn't be thinking about it, we wouldn't be so bothered for two reasons, firstly we are human so are naturally stupid, secondly we haven't been forced to learn all these 'facts' about things that humans have decided are true.
It is strange to think that we came up with all of this. Not sheep. Not chimps. But us, humans. So it would also be wrong to think that everything that we have come up with is true. Humans run on one way of thinking through it all, so would claim it is right. It might be partly right, but using the wrong way of looking at it. What if gravity isn't holding us down but something caused by another thing, and if forces weren't of their own doing, but a result of several things combined, of course I would be completely wrong, but we just think that this is the was everything is and how it should all be. It is very annoying to think that everything we live with in everyday life has had some influence by humanity. We are all ruining the planet and we all unfortunately have to live it, so we might as well try and enjoy it I guess, although I think I have humanity more than anything else in the world.
Last thought: Scientists call it progress, I call it grave digging.